


this house of cards

by creativefuckerzspring



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, Angst, Drama & Romance, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Infidelity, M/M, Marriage, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-19 05:49:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7347670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativefuckerzspring/pseuds/creativefuckerzspring
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“a house made of cards, and us inside; even if you say you see the end, even if you say it’ll collapse soon, just stay like this for a little longer”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. imi algo isseodo, meomchul suga eobseosseo

**Author's Note:**

> crossposted from AFF, this is the Beta-ed version.
> 
> The lyrics used in this fic are from [Tell Me What is Love (Xiuhan fmv)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmlLf2tWFTE/) and [BTS's House of Cards](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsVnj7dHtqA/) (that's where the title comes from)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> past and present cannot be compartmentalized. One cannot be without the other, Minseok learns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>    
> Chapter 1 Edited [20/07/16] 
> 
> this chapter's been Beta-ed by the wonderful [Ruth](http://chanyeolminseok.tumblr.com//) :)

_**“imi algo isseodo, meomchul suga eobseosseo” ******_  
_**{Even if you already knew, we couldn’t stop} ******_  
_**TELL ME WHAT IS LOVE? ******_

 

 

Mornings were loud. It was like the flat had been cursed. It could never be silent. Thundering footsteps outside, pots clanking, kettle whistling, the legs of chairs screeching against the floor. He sighed and rolled over. To others it might be a disturbance, but to Minseok these noises had become a lullaby helping him to drift back to sleep. He delved further into the warm blanket, beginning the daily count in his head as he heard light footsteps approaching the bedroom door. 

“Three, two, one.”

The door to his bedroom burst open and a bundle of force came leaping onto the bed. It tried to pull the blanket off him. He pulled it back. Of course, the opposing pull couldn’t possibly match his strength, but he didn’t mind pretending that it was a struggle to hold onto. Smiling, he opened his eyes under the covers.

“Appa, appa, wake up!” 

“Nooo!”, Minseok playfully whined back.

“Appa!” his young baby boy said whining frustratedly, “Appa, I have to go, wake up!”

Minseok roused himself from the bed, grabbing his chubby little boy and pulling him backwards with him. Little Haneul let out a high-pitched squeak and giggled as Minseok squished and tickled him. “Appa stop, please stoooop!”

“Why, my little Prince? Don’t you like this?”

“But, I have school, appa, schooool”, his five-year-old son grumbled. “I’ll be late. Please! Let’s go!”

“Okay, only after give your appa a popo.”

“Okay!” He kissed his father quickly. Minseok kissed him back on his cheek sloppily. 

“Let’s go, appa is waiting.”

”Fine, fine, let’s go!” Haneul squeaked out.

When the door opened for a second time, Minseok looked up and smiled brightly.

“Hey, he woke you up? Haneul, I told you not to wake him!” Haneul got up, struggling against Minseok’s grip and finally jumped into Jongdae’s arms. Jongdae picked their excited boy and bopped their noses together. “Appa needs to rest, Haneul.”

 

“It’s okay, Dae. I want to see my son before he leaves for school.” Minseok yawned as he finally shrugged off the blanket and stretched his arms. The sight of Jongdae with his son in his arms made him relax; as long as Dae was around, he felt like he never had to worry about little Hannie. Stepping off the bed and following his husband out of the room, he made his way to the kitchen. As soon as he reached the counter, Jongdae handed a steaming cup of coffee over to him. He gave the latter a grateful look, wrapping his fingers around the cup and inhaling the acidic, fragrant scent.

Jongdae set Haneul on the couch to put on his tiny, black school shoes, Haneul not moving an inch; he was a very obedient child. He stood up when they were buckled, looking proud of himself. He had become a big boy finally. All dressed up and ready, hopped to the door, waiting for Minseok to openit whilst Jongdae put on his own shoes. When he was done, he grabbed Haneul’s yellow school bag and his office bag.

“Bye, appa~~~!” Haneul looked so happy. His eyes were almost disappearing in the creases of his enormous smile, abnormally happy for a kid who was going to school. Sometimes Minseok wondered whose genes he had inherited. Minseok thought it wasn’t healthy for a kid of Hanuel’s age to be that happy for just going to school. Jongdae swooped down to Haneul to pick him up again, and Minseok pressed his lips against the soft hair of his son, breathing in the scent that hadn’t changed since he was a new-born. Minseok stayed there with his face buried against Haneul’s hair and murmured “Bye, Hannie. Be good at school.”

“Yes, appa.” He turned to Minseok and gave a gummy grin that was beginning to look too much like Minseok’s own smile. Haneul then swiftly turned his head to Jongdae, looking at his father expectantly. Jongdae quickly realised what his son was waiting for before then leaning in to kiss Minseok who lowered his head; fringe covering his eyes. He felt Jongdae’s cool lips press against his forehead. For a moment there was a slight pressure and then it was gone. 

“Awww, appaaa~~`”

“Let’s go now, shall we?” Jongdae decisively moved towards the front door, Minseok opening it for him.

“Yes, yes, yes.” Haneul held steadfastly onto his father’s shoulders as they left the flat.

Jongdae carried Haneul only until the top of the steps. The little boy rushed down the stairs as soon as the former put him down. Minseok waited until he heard the lift of the floor below theirs go ‘ding!’ and heard his son and husband disappear off to their busy days. Haneul always wanted to take the lift from that floor. Neither of the adults had the heart to point out that one was available on their floor too.

 

Pressure. Even the slightest of gestures from Jongdae, his mind subconsciously registered as pressure.

 

 

_**As I forgot about you who love me, ******_  
_**I live doing everything I wanted, I can’t even erase you from my mind. ******_

 

 

***

 

 

_**Why? ******_

 

 

Minseok had been happiest during the weeks following his engagement. He loved his fiancé. He would wake up inordinately early, cooking for way too many people; ending up having to go to Chen’s place to sheepishly give half of it away. Chen’s mother would laugh and tell him to postpone his wedding for a few more days so that he could keep supplying her with tasty dishes to the others in the Kim family who lived in the neighbourhood. It would spare the dear old lady the extra work she would otherwise have to do for those days. He’d laugh along with her and hand over the boxes. Chen would constantly tease him, but Minseok could live with it. He was happy. He was finally going to get married to his long-term boyfriend. So, if everyone teased him for being a little overly excited, it was okay. He didn’t care. Minseok was even extra chirpy and smiley at the café. He joked with his customers which made even Kyungsoo, his silent co-worker, comment every now and then.One time when Chen dropped in once before closing time (they were going shopping on his parents’ insistence), he saw Minseok being particularly amicable with a black-haired female customer. He whistled to get his attention. Minseok looked at him and winked.

“Woah! What’s with this attitude? Getting all flirty right before marriage?” 

The customer gaped at Minseok , disbelieving. “You’re getting married? Are you even of age?”

“I’m pretty sure I’m older than you.” The girl blushed deeply (she had been telling Minseok to call her noona when Chen had arrived). Chen just raised his eyebrow at him.  
“Wait for me. I’ll come out in five minutes.” He made a shooing motion towards Chen, turning back to his customer.

“Are you two getting married? Congratulations!” The customer beamed at them.

“I wish, but na-mmph.” The apron which Minseok had been wearing hit Chen on his face.

“No way, I’m getting married to my boyfriend. This guy is just a friend who happens to be a boy.”

“Wow. Thanks.” Chen stuck his tongue out at Minseok.

Minseok just gave him an amused glance and went towards the back of the shop, mentally going through the list of the things he had to buy.

 

 

_**Only echoes are coming back. ******_

 

***

 

 

Minseok was constantly exhausted. He owned a cafe that he had opened with Jongdae’s help. Which , which he had not wanted but times were desperate. So, he had acquiesced his husband’s offer. His cafe ran twenty-four seven, and it’s second anniversary was in a few months. He reminded himself he needed to schedule a meeting with the staff. Minseok usually left his place for the cafe somewhere before lunch time and came in sometime before dinner. After his son fell asleep, he’d go back again; it was tough. Jongdae had initially objected to his unusual working hours thinking it detrimental to his health. Minseok didn’t agree, so he continued to stick to his gruelling daily routine. Little Haneul had gotten used to it. Minseok would drop by his school to pick him up at the end of the day, take him to his parent’s place, feed him and leave Haneul there. Jongdae would later pick him up. It worked fine for all of them. Haneul loved his grandparents, his school and spent time equally with Minseok and Jongdae. He had no complaints.

Minseok was stood outside his son’s school, waiting for him. He was getting impatient. Haneul wasn’t coming out. It was already time to leave. The sun had been beating down on him and he was sweating. After another ten minutes, he finally went up to the school guard who had been shooting him funny looks up until then.

“Excuse me, but, have you seen my son? Haneul?” Minseok enquired irritably.

“Eh? His uncle came and picked him up just a few minutes before you arrived.”

“His uncle? What uncle?” Joonmyun didn’t even know which school Haneul was in, Minseok thought. “Are you sure?” Panic edged its way into Minseok’s voice.

“Of course.”

“But, nobody other than me picks up Haneul. Are you really sure?” 

Haneul’s teacher approached Minseok, having overheard the conversation. She placed a reassuring hand on his arm “Mr. Kim, it’s perfectly okay, everyone here knows him. We met him last week, he was so polite and such a gentleman. He helped Ms Min Ah see off the rest of the class.” 

“Seeing off the class?” Joonmyun was good with kids but something didn’t feel right.

“Yes, everyone in your family seems to be so polite and friendly!” She said and smiled at Minseok. He decided he needed to call Joonmyun right away. Otherwise, Minseok was going to panic more than he already was. 

Right at that moment, he caught sight of Haneul running across the road at full speed towards him. Minseok audibly gasped and felt great waves of relief as Haneul ran safely into his arms.

“Haneul, where were you? Why were you running across the road?! How many times have I told you not to?!” Haneul just looked at him with doe-like wide eyes and pouted. He didn’t need to say anything, Minseok could never scold him when he made that face.

“Appa, I went to that ice-cream shop. Uncle said he’d treat me.”

“Uncle Joonmyun is here?” Minseok looked around,, still clutching onto Haneul. Surely, he would have noticed his brother by now.?

“ Nooo, appa it wasn’t Uncle Joon. Is Uncle Joon coming to stay?” Haneul suddenly turned round in Minseok’s grasp and started waving his arm towards the opposite side of the road. “No, see! He’s leaving! Uncle! Uncle!” His son was calling to someone on the other side of the road, Minseok couldn’t make out who it was though. He didn’t know anyone with a dark trench coat and jet-black hair though. 

“He won’t be able to hear you, Haneul. Let’s go.” Minseok was worried, he took Haneul’s school bag from the boy’s tiny hand and slung it, over his left shoulder, finally putting his boy down and holding his little hand in the other. When they had walked a considerable distance from the school and were waiting at the bus stop, he turned to his son and asked him again who the stranger was.

“I don’t know his name. He told me to call him Uncle. He called me Baozi.” Haneul shrugged at his father.

“Baozi?” Minseok looked at him with surprise.

“He said I look like a Baozi. He said it’s a Chinese word.”

“I know.”

“You do?” It was his son’s turn to look at him with surprise.

“Yeah.” Minseok glanced at his watch, realizing the bus wasn’t for ten more minutes. He bent down to his son’s level and put his hands on his shoulders. He tried to reason with Haneul.

“Haneul, you should not go out with strangers. It’s not safe.”

“But, he gave me ice-cream!”

“It doesn’t matter if he gave you ice-cream! Strangers are not good!” His son pouted again, this time staring at the ground with his arms crossed. The woman standing next to them huffed.

“Appa! He is not bad! He is very good.” Haneul grumbled.

“Haneul, you must not go with him anymore. I’ll tell your school about him.”

“But, why?! He helped everyone at my school! He kissed me when I was crying. He told me I was brave. He helped Nam Joon, Ji Yong, Soo young. He told them not to cry. He -”

“Why were you crying?” He looked at his son, frowning. Haneul gulped. 

“I asked why, Haneul?”

“Please don’t be angry.” Haneul looked close to tears.

“First tell me what happened.”

“Last week my class- we went to have ice-cream. Ms. Min Ah took us. But, in the next buil-building there was a fire so we couldn’t get out! There were so many people running so, I ran too. But-but, I ran away too far and I fell over. I got hurt on my knees. Uncle found me and took me back to Miss Min Ah!”

Minseok watched his son’s red eyes and quivering lips and asked sternly, “So, then, when you told me you fell in the playground and got hurt, you lied to me?”

“I’m sorry, appa.” The woman standing beside them looked at Minseok with disapproving eyes. Minseok dismissed her look and turned back to his son, who was quietly sobbing.

“Why?”

“I thought- I thought you would scold. That I was being a kid. I’m sorry, appa. I’ll never run like that again. Sorry.”

“Did you tell Jongdae about this?”

“Jong-who? appa? No.” Haneul wrung his hands together, looking entirely miserable.

“Why not?” Minseok sighed, exhausted by the emotional little boy in front of him.

“He would have told you.” Haneul said with a small voice, looking at the ground. The bus arrived at that moment and Minseok dropped the topic and took his son’s hand as they stepped on. The journey to his parent’s place was silent.

 

 

_**But, someday I hope… ******_

 

 

That night after dinner, he thought about telling Jongdae about the fire incident, but he didn’t. Jongdae also didn’t seem to notice that Haneul was not being his usual self, going to sleep early without fussing. He must have been worried about the company, Minseok concluded. There had been rumour that his boss had been fired. His son didn’t even pester him to kiss his chubby little cheeks goodnight. But, Minseok kissed him on the forehead. Haneul hugged the back of his father’s legs, sniffling. Once Haneul was down for the count, Minseok got his things ready to go back to work. Frustratingly, he missed the bus by a few seconds. He was so tired, but he walked until he reached the next bus stop and thankfully, didn’t miss the next one. When he reached his little cafe bustling with mostly youngsters and work-goers he instantly spotted his youngest employee Chanyeol, sitting with some college girls at one of the booths and flirting. He rolled his eyes, Chanyeol happily ate up all the attention he got. Moving towards the back of the shop, he checked through his bag, making sure he had his change of clothes for work. It was time for shift change, so his staff were bustling about, all of them considerably taller than Minseok. When they teased him about it he threatened to cut their pay only half-jokingly, and they promptly stopped mentioning it. When he was done changing into the uniform he had designed a year back, Chanyeol was coming back into the staff room.

“I’m leaving, hyung.”

“Sure. Good night.” He was still adjusting the cuffs of his sleeve when he saw what Chanyeol was holding. “Funny.”

“Funny what?” Chanyeol paused.

“Funny, I saw a coat like that this morning. ”

“What? This coat?” Chanyeol gestured towards the dark fabric in his grasp.

“Where did you buy it from?” Minseok was curious, he thought it coincidental.

“Why do you care?” Chanyeol was defensive, Minseok rarely conversed with any of them and definitely not with him.

“It belongs to a customer.” Sunny said, one of the few female staff he had, poking her head inside the room. “Can I come in?”

Chanyeol dumped the trench coat into the lost and found box in the corner of the room. 

“He was very handsome, Minseok oppa”, she added.

“He was more pretty than handsome.” Chanyeol said bluntly.

“Nobody’s handsome according to you, Park Chanyeol.”

“Whatever. I’m out.” He swiftly left the room.

“He was?” Minseok pried, averting his gaze from the trench coat, to look at Sunny.

“Uh? Yes, yes. And, so polite and mannered. Like, a hero from a TV drama.” She chirped as she gathered her things together.

“Those heroes are often more of a jerk than a gentleman.” His reply was curt, and it surprised him more than it did Sunny.

“True, true. Then, he is like… Straight out of a manhwa? Yes. Like that. Totally.” Sunny finished up her bustling and left with her belongings, leaving Minseok alone in the room with the coat. He walked to the corner and brushed his fingers against the coat. The person who had helped his son, was it the same man? The man in the morning had such a familiar profile.

Minseok moved away from the box and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

 

_**Who are you to make me pitiful? ******_

 

 

***

 

 

_**My heart finally knows. ******_

 

 

When Minseok first met Luhan, he thought he was a creep. Luhan was on a whole different course from him, and on a university campus as big as theirs he bumped into him way too often to be coincidental. With his glasses, long sleek blond hair, thin pink lips and weird laughing expressions, he made Minseok super uncomfortable. Minseok was a very laid back sort of person, but, this was something else. Luhan would constantly stare at Minseok and when he had complained about it to his friend Hyoyeon, she had only laughed it off. This went on for the first two months. 

In one of the senior’s party, his crush Lee Changmin asked him out for a dance and he had accepted, tripping on his legs in excitement making his friends and others around him laugh. When the dance had been over, the seniors from Changmin’s circle asked him too; one after the other. When the party was coming to an end, a very drunk Kyuhyun had come and started groping him. He had been sitting on the porch at that time because it had been too stuffy inside. The students around them just watched when Minseok was struggling; trying to get him off him. Luhan had somehow come to know and had come rushing out of the house. He socked Kyuhyun in the face and everybody watched it in shock. He looked utterly shocked. Not only was Kyuhyun a senior among the cool chaebols, but also, Luhan was a thin, wiry guy who looked like he’d fly away in a breeze. Nobody expected that he could pack a punch like that, least of all Minseok. Kyuhyun groaned, rolling on the wooden floor.

“Hyung? Hyung, are you okay?” Changmin rushed over, turning to Luhan and shouting, “What the hell did you do?!”

“Nothing I regret.” Luhan replied quietly, nursing the fist he had used. In the ensuing chaos trying to get Kyuhyun up, he disappeared. Minseok barely noticed him leaving, his mouth agape.

In the following few weeks, he didn’t come across Luhan even once. He frowned whenever he caught himself wondering about the Creep who wasn’t around to be creepy anymore. When he had seen him around before the incident at the party, he generally saw him in the cafeteria and the cycle stand. On rare occasions he had even found him leaving the library. He was really beginning to worry about Luhan when two weeks later, Hyoyeon came hurrying towards his desk in their classroom.

“Minseok, come with me.” She whispered loudly.

“Why? What’s up?”

“Just come with me. Now.” She pulled him out of his chair towards the front door.

Hyoyeon dragged him outside of the building. There was a huge crowd, some of the guys had been fighting.

“Did you seriously bring me to see this? As much as it would have been interesting to watch at some other time, I really don’t have time for this right now.” He turned away from the crowd but she grabbed his arm.

“Just shut up and watch”, she insisted. Of course, he would have ignored her and gone had it not been for the voice he heard shouting. He finally took notice of who were fighting. Some of them were the Chinese exchange students. He worked out it was them because they were hissing in an entirely different language and were led by Kris, the Chinese language instructor’s assistant. Minseok thought this was out of character, Kris was usually a calm and level-headed person. The other group was Kyuhyun and his friends. His Creep Luhan had seemingly been trying to stop them from fighting.

“They beat up Luhan. We just found out.” Victoria, one of the Chinese seniors from his department said, approaching Minseok and Hyoyeon.

“Why aren’t you doing anything to stop them? They’ll get expelled.” Minseok asked, worried beyond belief. 

“Can’t you stop them?” Hyoyeon pleaded, eyes wide.

Victoria just snorted. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“But-” Minseok began, but at that moment Luhan stumbled and fell to the ground. The foreign exchange students and some of the others stopped, rushing to him. Minseok instinctively took a step forward but Victoria stopped him. “Don’t.” Seeing his confused look she added, “They dislike you too. You’ll only add to the problem.”

“Huh?”

By this point, the fight had attracted the attention of the staff. The crowd began dispersing. He saw Kris going up to one of them and saying something angrily.

“That’s Joong Ki oppa Kris’s speaking to. He’s the student rep of the disciplinary board. See you guys later, I should talk to him.” She ran to them. Minseok watched as some of the guys who had fought along with Kris helped Luhan to walk as the rest of them crowded around him.

“Let’s go.” Hyoyeon finally spoke up. “We have a class.” She didn’t bring up the fight for the rest of the day. Neither did he. He felt so guilty even though it wasn’t technically his fault. He hadn’t told him to fight. Minseok couldn’t sleep that night, constantly tossing and turning in bed.

The next day, he found him in the library. Luhan was sitting at a table tucked away in a corner. Minseok decided this was his moment and made a beeline for him. 

“Hey.” Luhan had looked up startled. Cute.

“Hey.” Wow. He was so shy for a creep.

“May I sit here?” Minseok asked. The Chinese boy looked at the Minseok, obviously confused; blinking his eyes furiously.

“Sure. If you want to.” Luhan replied, continuing to look confused.

Minseok smiled, then opened his mouth to speak again. “I’m sorry.” he blurted out.

“Huh?” Luhan looked baffled.

“I’m sor-”

“I heard it. Why are you apologising?” Luhan put his pen down, staring at Minseok with his head cocked to his lift.

“Why? Err... I- You. Jus-” Minseok felt mortified, he had built himself up to this all morning and was fumbling over his words like a blushing schoolgirl.

“You have nothing to apologise for. The fight yesterday wasn’t your fault.”

“Wasn’t it?” One of the guys who had been fighting the day before said, coming to stand beside where Luhan was seated. “I’d rather you not be here”, he directed towards Minseok.

“Tao!” Luhan reprimanded, quickly turning back to Minseok “No. No, it isn’t your fault at all.”

The boy beside Luhan spoke again “Why not? If it were not for him, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place.” 

“Zitao.” Luhan gave him a warning look.

“No. He’s right. I’m really sorry.” Minseok felt silly for even approaching Luhan now. Tao glared at him.

“So you are aware of his feelings and why the fight started.” Both Luhan and Minseok spluttered. Luhan suddenly looked like he wanted to disappear.

“Tao!” Luhan exclaimed, hitting his friend.

Minseok felt a flush creep up his neck. He mumbled another ‘sorry’, lowering his head. He could see the numerous bandages Luhan had on his person. Even his forehead was bandaged. He couldn’t even shift on the seat without visibly flinching. Minseok’s shoulders drooped. His fault. His fault. His fault. This was his fault.

His head shot up when Luhan reached over and placed his right hand on his arm. “If were to happen again, I wouldn’t change a thing.” He gave Minseok a reassuring smile like it was Minseok who had been attacked by Kyuhyun’s friends and not him. “Though I hope it never happens again. I’ll kill him if he tries to touch you.” 

Minseok eyes widened for a fraction before he was ducking his head, blushing furiously. No one had looked at him like that before. No one had ever even suggested they wanted to protect him like that before.

 

 

_**I can’t escape these thoughts ******_  
_**Is there something called love ******_

 

 

***

 

 

When Minseok entered the café the next night, tired and sleepy, he got the shock of his life. Sunny was talking to a tall handsome man, wearing the black trench coat from yesterday, looking sophisticated and posh. Luhan had never managed to look like that in the years they had been together. Luhan’s family was horrendously wealthy. Everyone in his family was a hotshot, involved in high-powered business back in China. To Minseok, Luhan had just simply been the nerdy-guy-next-door. 

The man who turned around to look at him was anything but nerdy. The smile on his face dropped when he saw Minseok. Minseok thought he was going to faint. He had never ever imagined to see Luhan again. Not like this. And definitely not in the café. Luhan stood there, motionless. Minseok felt like he couldn’t stay any longer. He turned around and ran, running as fast as he could on his short legs. Soon he was running out of breath, his lungs burning. That was the stupidest thing to do, he thought to himself. Sunny, Chanyeol, the customers, all of them must have seen him running away like an idiot. 

He slowed down to catch his breath. He was a few blocks away from the café. It looked like Luhan had not followed him. He felt so stupid, he couldn’t go back now. He immediately called Sunny and told her to inform the rest of the staff that he wouldn’t be joining them for the night. He wasn’t feeling well. He disconnected the call before she could ask anything else.

That night, to Jongdae’s surprise, he returned home early.

“Is it time already?”, he asked yawning, rubbing his eyes.

“No. Just-not feeling well.” 

“What’s wrong?”

“Little sleep deprived, that’s all. Go back to bed.”

 

Minseok went into his room, peeling off his work clothes. He picked out the most comfortable pyjamas he could find, put them on and dragged his feet into Jongdae’s bedroom.

“What are you doing?” Jongdae sat up, looking a little bit more awake than before.

“Shh... Han’ll wake up.” Minseok kissed his son. He was so beautiful, his little miracle. Then, he looked at his husband, feeling awkward. “Can I- can I sleep here for tonight?”

Jongdae looked like he wanted to ask something but, he didn’t. “I guess?” He stifled another yawn and dropped back onto the mattress. Minseok slowly got up on the bed, afraid to wake his son up. The little warm figure nestled into him as soon as he lied down. He pressed his lips against the tiny head and closed his eyes.

 

Neither Minseok nor Jongdae fell asleep that night.

 

***

 

 

_**Why? Without any words you left me. ******_

 

 

After that day in the library, Minseok and Luhan started talking to each other. Within a few days, they had exchanged their numbers and had started finding out the things that they had in common - the things that began to bind them together. They went everywhere together, they sat together (except when in classes; even then, they wouldn’t stop texting each other). As soon as lectures were over, they’d hurry to the cycle stand, where they parked their bikes next to each other. From there, they’d drag their bikes to their respective places, chatting non-stop the entire way. When the semester ended, everyone around them had accepted that the two were inseparable. Tao had grudgingly accepted his presence though he was often vocal about his dislike for him. Kris, Victoria, Henry and Jinki had included him in their circle. Minseok’s friends became Luhan’s friends and Luhan’s friends became his. Even Minseok’s cousin Kibum had become good friends with Jinki. Over time, they started teasing them about being more than friends. This always seemed to upset Luhan, which in turn would upset Minseok. Because Luhan was upset that they were insinuating that something was going on between them, Minseok would get upset too. But, only because Luhan didn’t want or, see him that way. And, he never mentioned anything about his feelings to Luhan.

It was during the end of midterms in the next semester; they were all in the library trying to study when one of Kris’s friends (whose name Minseok never found out) made a passing remark concerning Minseok sharing his seat with Luhan who seemed to lose all patience.

“Yeah, we’re sharing a seat? So what? I like him, now why can’t you get over it and get over yourself?” Their friends had looked at him in shock for a few seconds, before they all erupted into cheers and whistles and cat calls. Packing up his things, Luhan stormed out of the building, leaving the study group bewildered and Minseok utterly confused. Minseok had wanted to disappear into the floor. Tao, had surprisingly nudged him and had pointed towards the door. Understanding, he swiftly got up from his chair and ran after the guy he had fallen in love with.

But Luhan had been gone. And god only knew where for the next week. The next time Minseok saw him, he was standing in front of his house in the middle of the night, soaking wet from the rain. Minseok had dragged him into his room as quietly as possible, afraid his father would wake up and and find them. Luhan silently took out a soaked rose from the pocket of his equally soaked shorts.

“Do you, maybe, want to be my boyfriend, Minseok? I really like you. I bought this from Beijing. It’s a Chinese rose. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Like you.” Minseok’s eyes widened. “My grandmother is sick. I’ve been to visit her back in Beijing for the past week, I’m sorry I didn’t call or text or anything.” Minseok could feel the water puddling at their feet and Luhan didn’t look like he would budge anytime soon without an answer. “Minseok, it’s okay if you don’t want to. I just want you to hear me out first. I liked you since I saw you at the cycle stand on the first day, when you bumped into me.”

Minseok felt like a tonne of bricks had landed on him. He didn’t know what to say. They stood in silence for a few minutes, Luhan holding Minseok close to him, slowing leaving wet patches where his hands were. Minseok instinctively wound his arms around Luhan’s waist, pressing his head onto his shoulder.

“Do you not want to be my boyfriend?” Luhan whispered into Minseok’s hair.

“Of course I do.” Minseok felt the words leaving his mouth before he had even registered what he had just said.

“Uh. Okay.” Luhan looked like he was at a loss for words. “I thought it would take a bit more convincing.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to ask for the past six months.”

“Six months? Why didn’t say anything?” Luhan was gobsmacked.

“I thought as long as I got to be with you, I don’t need names to us, Luhan. Or, anything else. Just as long as you want me it didn’t matter what I felt.” Minseok gave him the biggest smile that he could. Luhan brought out those sides of him - the side which wanted to be loved, cherished and protected. Even when they had been “just friends”. Luhan smiled back at Minseok, creating some space between them to look into his eyes, which now shone with unshed tears. Gently, he placed his hand under Minseok’s chin, guiding their lips together in a soft kiss. They parted, breathless, and embraced each other one more, holding tight. Luhan didn’t leave Minseok’s house that night. 

In the following years, Luhan proved to be the best boyfriend ever. Luhan and Minseok finished the next two years of university together; and when graduation came, they cheered each other on as they walked across the podium. They slowly became part of each other and each other’s families, never one without the other. He escorted Minseok everywhere, he gave him gifts and flowers. They spent equal time playing, watching movies and hanging out with other friends. However, despite the time they spent together, they easily managed to hang out with their friends, old and new. Luhan conversed like a respectable, older figure with his dongsaeng Joonmyun. It made Minseok feel proud that Joonmyun liked Luhan and thought highly of him. 

They rarely fought. If they did, Luhan was always the first one to apologise. He would say something like “It doesn’t matter who started it. What matters now is that we end it.” They would frequently go out on dates. Luhan always paid for him (Minseok had initially tried to protest but they all it had fallen on deaf ears). Luhan always made sure he never lost Minseok in a crowd. Their life together was perfect. Most importantly, in Luhan’s eyes, mind and heart, there was only Kim Minseok.

 

But, that night, he was still the stupid best friend who ruined the whole romantic mood by sneezing and coughing the entire time. By the next morning, he was running high temperature. 

 

***

 

 

_**Heotdeon kkumiradeo idaero jogeum deo stay ******_  
_**Even if you say it’s a useless dream, ******_  
_**just stay a little more like this ******_

 

 

The next few weeks went without any further incidents. Except, of course, for Jongdae’s furtive glances. He wondered what was up with Minseok, he didn’t seem like himself. They lived without trying to get into each other’s way. Their lives were scheduled exactly in the way Minseok wanted. It helped them keep distance. Once his son and husband were gone, he’d wake up, clean the house for the next two hours, then, spend nearly an hour in the shower even after the hot water ran out. After that, he’d cook some measly breakfast, swallow it and go back to sleep. He’d wake up again around his café’s opening hour time, get dressed and leave. Even though Jongdae and he had been married for around six years, their flat hardly looked it belonged to a family - to a married couple and a son. Not that Minseok wanted that. He was fine with the cold feeling the flat had around it. Minseok didn’t think he could handle anything that was remotely warm and homey. The only room that was remotely cheerful was Haneul’s room. It was baby blue, unlike the dull yellow of the other rooms. It was furnished with a small bed, a small table with matching chair, a wardrobe and a mini cupboard for him. The table cloth and the linen bed sheet had Pororo plastered all over them. Haneul loved it, that was enough for Minseok. Jongdae’s room was as clean as his, though for the past few days it had been getting cluttered and Minseok wondered if the problem at his office had not been solved yet. Jongdae usually told Minseok when something serious was up. In the middle of cleaning one afternoon at work, he started to think about the events of the past few weeks. Losing his focus, he stood staring in front of the café table with the pink scrub cloth in his hand.

 

Lu Han. What had he been doing in Seoul?

 

He shook his head forcefully trying to drive that thought away and scrubbed the table harder, dissatisfied with his own work. He frowned. He had to get to school and pick his son on time. 

 

***

 

When Haneul came out of the gates squealing in happiness, Minseok was a little surprised. He smiled brightly, a rare occurrence for him. As quickly as the smile appeared, it was gone as Haneul ran past him. Minseok turned around to watch in horror as his son jumped into a beaming Luhan’s arms. Luhan picked up Haneul with practiced ease and spun him around. Minseok stood stock still, not sure what was happening. He didn’t want to believe it was happening. He didn’t even hear Ms. Min Ah approach him as they watched Haneul talking excitedly with Luhan.

“We didn’t know Haneul was part Chinese.” She smiled at Minseok.

Minseok opened his mouth to refuse it vehemently, but no sound came out. He was speechless.

“I hope you don’t mind if this sounds unprofessional but, I’m curious. Is Lu Han-ssi is from your side or, Haneul’s other father’s family? I don’t wish to be impolite.”

He couldn’t work out if she was being rude or nosy, “Mine. And, excuse me, Min Ah-ssi”, he tacked on, glancing at her name tag first, “We consider that personal information. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” He didn’t wish to be rude either but, he couldn’t help it. He wouldn’t apologise. He took fast and confident steps towards the father and son pair who had stopped to watch curiously the short Korean man, their eyes having the exact same look in them.

 

***

 

 

_**The wait is so long, has no limit. ******_  
_**I keep calling you who doesn't answer. ******_

 

 

Preparations for the wedding were a hectic business, and as a result Luhan and Minseok barely found time to spend with each other. Luhan always seemed to be out somewhere else. Minseok sometimes went out with his family to help them, sometimes with Joonmyun and Chen. Other times, he’d stay back home waiting for his fiancé’s call or text. He had taken a few days off from work. The wedding made Minseok nervous. Luhan was from a super-rich family and had started a business which had kicked off successfully, whereas Minseok’s family background was humble and he had just always wanted to be a barista. There was nothing wrong with that dream until he compared it to Luhan’s success and his family and everything seemed to pale in contrast. He had never met his to-be-in-laws before. He had just met Luhan’s one cousin, Lao Gao and they had been so awkward around each other that Luhan had never forced him to meet his family again.

According to Luhan’s family tradition, the couple wasn’t allowed to meet or speak for a week prior to the wedding. Not until the ceremony. Minseok thought it was a torture. He couldn’t bear the thought of not constantly texting Luhan. Luhan took the tradition so seriously, so Minseok didn’t want to whine too much. He liked that Luhan would want to stay away from him for seven days just because of a silly superstition so that it didn’t bring supposed bad luck. Luhan studiously maintained it by not even turning on his phone some days. Minseok had found that part a little bit too much. Four nights prior to the day, his fiancé sent him a simple text asking him to meet at The Twosome Place which was closer to where Luhan lived. Minseok had to lie to give his family the slip and go meet him. He took the bus and got off at the bus stop nearest to the place he had been told. His phone buzzed.

“Do you remember our park? Go there.”

There was only one park for both of them. It was where they had their first date while trying to babysit his cousin’s children. Minseok hurried his steps, extremely pleased with himself. Luhan couldn’t stand not talking to him even for three days. By the time he traced his steps to the entrance of the park, he was feeling pretty smug. It seemed Luhan hadn’t arrived yet, so he went ahead and sat on a swing, looking up at the sky and the full moon. Should he make a wish?

“What did you wish for?”

Luhan’s sudden clear and smooth voice startled him and he fell off the swing. “Yah! You scared me!” The Chinese man just extended his one hand and Minseok grabbed it and stood up. “What did you wish for?” he repeated.

Minseok shook his head. “It isn’t good to tell. What would be the point then? They’re supposed to be secret.”

“The point is to come true, right?Tell me.” Minseok pulled Luhan by the hand he was holding him with, trying to get him to sit down, but Luhan stopped him. “Tell me first.” He was being stubborn.

“Did you miss me that much?”

“I’ll always miss you, Minseok.”

Minseok blushed. He lightly pushed at his chest with his other hand.

“What was your wish?”

“Do you really want to know? It’s silly.” Minseok blushed, looking at the ground.

“Especially since it’s silly.”

“Yah!”

“Minseok.”

“Fine, okay, jeez. I wished for us to be always happy and together like how we are now.” His voice was low and soft, his cheeks hot. He hated being cheesy, but he couldn’t help it with Luhan who bent his head a little, both his hands coming up to cradle Minseok’s head in them as he pressed his lips against the shorter man’s. Minseok automatically stood on his toes, his hands encircling Luhan’s shoulders. The intensity pouring off Luhan was a bit more than usual, but he figured it was because they had gone two days without seeing each other, something they hadn’t done in years. After a few minutes, Luhan moved his head away, breathless. His eyes were so dark and honest, if Minseok had not already fallen so deeply in love with them, he would have then.

“I love you, Minseok. I have never known anything like you. Anyone like you. And, I’ll never know anything or, anyone like you.”

Minseok buried his face in Luhan’s chest. “Why are you talking like that?” He frowned.

Luhan put his hand on Minseok’s shoulders and pulled him back, to give him room to look at him. Luhan gave a sigh before speaking again.

“But, Minseok, someday I hope you tell me what is love. Like what you told me while looking into my eyes.” His voice sent an unmistakable chill down his voice. His words had such finality into it, it made his brows knit. He wrinkled his nose in response, not knowing what to say to such a statement.

“It’s been just two days, Luhan.” He grimaced, and then he grinned. Minseok was so happy, his heart ached a little. How could he be so lucky? He’d was marrying his boyfriend of a decade and this was how much he missed him after only three days? Minseok gathered his thoughts together.

“If you want, I’ll tell you every day what is love. What it means to love, to be loved. When we are together, if we ever miss each other.” Luhan gazed down at his fiancé, sadness clouding his eyes. Minseok crunched up his forehead at the look, bringing his hand up to Luhan’s cheek.

“Hey, tell me what you’re thinking.” Minseok pried.

“Hm? Nothing, really.” Luhan’s expression changed to a smile.

Luhan’s gaze had him shying. Minseok pulled his boyfriend closer, snuggling into his chest. They stood like that in the deserted park for a long time, hugging each other. When they broke away, Luhan intertwined their fingers as they headed back to the bus stop. As they sat waiting for the bus, Luhan’s grip on Minseok’s waist was so strong, he couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong. Luhan wasn’t getting cold feet now, was he? He was about to joke, bringing it to his fiancé’s attention but, at that moment the bus arrived, it’s door sliding open. As it left the stop, Minseok stared at Luhan as he fell further into the distance. He didn’t look the slightest bit happy for a man who was supposed to be in love and be getting married that week and Minseok wondered for a really long time afterwards if he had been blind and had ignored what had it been in front of him.

It was only in the following day when he was taking out the clothes from the hamper to give them for a wash that Luhan’s Cartier ring fell out from the jeans which he had been wearing the previous evening.

 

 

_**Why did you leave from my side without saying anything? ******_  
_**I wasn't prepared for break-up. ******_

 

 

Luhan’s behaviour had been a little odd a couple of months before their wedding but, Minseok had chalked it up to nervousness. Minseok had found out from Kris, Luhan’s best friend that Luhan’s parents weren’t exactly happy with his decision, however, they were going to support their only son. Things got stranger, though. Minseok noticed him becoming more skittish, spacing out in the middle of conversations and refusing to drink anything alcoholic. He seemed to be tired all the time, and would never spend long at any kind of social event. He spent less and less time with Minseok and more with his colleagues. He laughed a little less at his fiancé’s jokes, and in general he seemed to be less happy. He started to skip their dates because he had work. Some days, he had the perfect excuse that had Minseok swooning into his arms and on the other days, he left him all cold and bothered. All of this bothered Minseok, but none of it was significant enough to talk about, so he left it alone and tried to get on with the preparations. He showered Minseok with lots and lots and lots of love when he remembered to. Luhan visited his family more frequently, chatted with them constantly, had dinner with them every week. He began to rarely stay home alone with Minseok. Which was why Minseok had been bidding his time, waiting for their wedding night to inform his husband that he was expecting.

Minseok’s mind had became less focused on Luhan and more on himself. He had noticed his body behaving strangely; feeling nauseous intermittently and tired constantly. He had found himself needing to sleep more, not being able to keep certain foods down. It took eight weeks for him to finally visit the doctor. Tests had been run; blood, taken, and a week later, the paperwork arrived on Minseok’s doorstep. Taking it to his room, he had opened it calmly and scanned down the lines of almost incomprehensible results. He had reached the bottom of the second page after a couple of minutes, spotting a line which had been printed in bold - ‘Pregnancy: positive’.

What Minseok had not expected was that his parents would find out. His mother managed to find the papers he received from the doctor. What he hadn’t expected was Luhan, his boyfriend of ten years, his fiancé, would go missing just three days prior to the wedding. He had been panicked as soon as he had found that ring. He had called Luhan a hundred times but he wouldn’t pick up. Every call would go to voice mail and Minseok would leave message after message. He was desperate. 

As soon as his parents had found out, his father had called him and had shouted at him to tell him how disappointed they were. He had been disappointed with his son. Minseok sat on the floor of his room, crying. His parents had never said that to him. Chen and Joonmyun had gone to Luhan’s apartment on Minseok’s behalf. The landlady informed them that Luhan had left his flat more than two weeks back and she was sorry that she had no forward address of his. Minseok had not believed it when Chen had come back all grim faced, giving them the news. He had gone out running but, his father had stopped him. Another twenty-four hours passed. There was still no trace of Luhan. Even his employees and secretary Eun Ji had had no idea. Luhan had not told anyone anything.

That evening, his father received a mail from Luhan’s father that they wouldn’t be able to attend the ceremony.

Minseok had cried and cried, his eyes turning red and puffy. He couldn’t believe when most of the invitations that had been sent came back with the ‘not attending’ box ticked. The ones that had not been, a mail had been sent to them saying the details on the card had been wrong and the old card with the edited details were sent to the recipients again. He couldn’t believe it when his parents dragged him to the church that day.

Minseok had refused to come out of his room the whole morning. But his cousins had forced the door open, changed him into the clothes he didn’t want to wear. Not with That person missing. He had kicked and fought, trying to run away from the monstrosity they were forcing him to commit. It was a crime. It was a crime. It was a crime. His parents couldn’t do that. Their parents couldn’t do that. Luhan couldn’t do that. His father had come striding across the hall and slapped him hard across the face. Minseok’s objections stopped in an instant. The tears that had been slipping down his cheeks stopped too.

“You have shamed our family enough as it is. We need it no more.” 

He couldn’t hear the noises, the guests, his cousins, his parents. His heart no longer squeezed and stuttered like it was going to give up any second. May be it had already. He didn’t look at the door, waiting for it to burst open and Luhan to come in, shouting, hurting those who were doing this to Minseok.

What he did was accept his responsibility. He was not going to shame his family’s name. He was not going to let his parents down any further. What he did was recite the vows he had written for Luhan. What he did was close his eyes and imagine Luhan standing beside him. What he did was glance at his brother who looked at him with shock and betrayal written all over his face. What he did was look at Chen with hate and vowed to never accept Jongdae as his husband even if they might be so now in the eyes of the society law.

 

Since then, his life has been an endless source of despair and vacuum.

 

Since then, his life has been about his son Haneul and his struggles of running his business.

 

Since then, his life has been about keeping Jongdae as far away as possible from him.

 

They attended every familial ritual together. They visited each other’s families. For Jongdae’s parents’ sake, they would stay in the same room in the night; Minseok would always sleep on the floor. For Minseok’s parents, he would sleep in the couch in the hall and let Jongdae be wherever he wanted to be. The first time his father had looked annoyed, the second time it had happened, he had been angry. But, when it continued for years, his father gave up. Minseok mused to himself that perhaps his father was finally beginning to realise the mistake he had made. His parents had never truly accepted the Chinese man for reasons Minseok thought had been bullshit. What he knew was that they had truly wanted him to marry their neighbour’s son because the two Kim households were historic family friends. He hated how Chen, who had known everything about Luhan and Minseok, who had known how Minseok would have preferred death over being without Luhan, had so easily accepted their parents’ decision.

He hated Jongdae who gave him space and barely gave him a chance to pick a fight with him. He hated how his hate for Jongdae had subsided over the years. He hated how Jongdae had been so supportive of him through his pregnancy and afterwards. He hated how Jongdae always understood what he wanted. He hated how Jongdae was so good, so caring and affectionate with his son. He hated how he was not being able to hold onto that hate.  
What he hated the most was how he truly, deeply didn’t hate Jongdae at all.

 

He hated how he had ended up hating Luhan.

 

He hated how his son was growing up to look like Luhan’s clone. 

 

He hated how everything he had loved, should love, he was hating.

 

But, most of all, he hated himself because - 

 

_**I hate myself for living on after losing you. ******_

 

 

***

 

“Hello.” 

 

Luhan’s voice was the same. The smile on his face was so casual and carefree, like they did it every time they met. He had not met Luhan in four years.

Minseok stood in front of them, his mind blank. He had no idea what he was supposed to do next.

“Appa! This is the uncle who calls me Baozi!!!” His son chirped happily, while holding onto the brunet. Haneul looked so happy.

“Uncle, this is my Appa.” Haneul pointed his chubby finger first at Luhan and then, at Minseok. Luhan looked at his son and smiled.

Minseok stood there silent, not wanting to make the first move. Luhan turned to look at him. “There’s a café nearby. Shall we have lunch there?” His expression wasn’t easy to read.

“Let’s go to mine?” He paused. “Your arms will hurt; you can put Haneul down if you want.”

“It’s fine. Let’s go by this way. My car’s round the corner.”

Luhan crossed the road with Haneul still in his arms. Minseok followed them. His steps were involuntary. His mind was silent. His son was chattering constantly with the Chinese man. Luhan would look at him and smile, answer his questions and would occasionally look back to make sure Minseok was following them. He gently put Haneul down when they finally reached the car and opened the passenger door for Minseok. Minseok kept his head lowered, refusing to look at him, and got in. Haneul jumped in after him and settled on his lap. Luhan quickly got into the driver’s seat and started for Minseok’s café.

“Appa”, Haneul spoke up, “Didn’t you tell me to not talk to strangers? Isn’t he a stranger to you?” He pointed his little finger at Luhan. He saw Luhan smirk from the corners of his eyes. “Sayyyyyy.”

“We were friends, Baozi. In university.” Minseok jerked his head up to look at him. That accent still slid on those foreign syllables in the same way. In the way they always managed to catch Minseok’s attention. This time it had been for his son instead.

“Really?” Haneul widened his eyes. Minseok continued his silence.

“You’re cute, Baozi.” Luhan took his hand off the steering wheel and pinched Haneul’s cheek. But, both Minseok and Haneul had twin red cheeks.

“Don’t take your hands off the wheel.” As soon as it left his mouth, he wanted to kick himself. Luhan just glanced at him once and dutifully, placed his hand back on the steering wheel. Minseok could see that stupid half-smirk appearing again on his face. It used to make Minseok swoon. Now though, he just wanted to punch it off his face.

“So, Appa, can I go out with him? He’s not a stranger.” Haneul sounded so happy and hopeful at the same time. Minseok just tightened his grip on his son.

 

***

 

Luhan had proposed to Minseok on a ferry crossing the river Han in the middle of winter. The moment, although public, had felt entirely private. Nobody clapped as Luhan slipped the thin, silver band onto Minseok’s hand, and nobody cheered as they pressed their lips to one another briefly. It was perfect for them, understated and loving. Years later, Minseok often found himself reliving the moment involuntarily whilst dreaming, waking up in a cold sweat before being jumped upon by Haneul. Minseok was even more thankful for his little boy to pull him out of the sadness that the memory made him feel at these moments, afraid to admit to even himself how much he was still hurting.


	2. you're gone and I gotta stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minseok's house of cards is in shambles..
> 
>  
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, the format screwed up a little bit.
> 
> the title of the chapter is taken from 'Stay High' by Tove Lo

As soon as the wedding ceremony was over, the newly wedded couple were ushered into a car and sent to the airport. Their honeymoon was on the Jeju islands. The trip had been horrifying, for both Jongdae and Minseok. Minseok didn’t bother paying any attention to anything. He lifelessly followed Jongdae around and carried out actions asked of him. When they had arrived, he locked Jongdae out of the suite of their hotel as soon as he opened the door. On the third day, they had to go for a mini cruise because Jongdae’s relatives wanted to see pictures of the sea, so Jongdae had said. Minseok had been standing pretty close to the edge of the boat, away from his husband who had been quietly monitoring him with concern. The sun had been too hot. Minseok had felt dizzy. He had climbed up to the top deck taking in the breeze, slowly leaning further over the side. Jongdae approached him, asking him if everything was okay. Minseok told him to go fetch a bottle of water, feeling irritated. As soon as Jongdae had been out of sight, Minseok’s leaned over an inch too far and fell into the water.

 

The water had been too cold. All sound drowned out. Everything had felt so peaceful.

 

Floating and drifting off was amazing. His lids, heavy, closed slowly.

“Minseok, someday, I hope you tell me what is love.”

“Minseok, I can only hope that you love me even a fraction of the amount that I love you.”

 

His eyes flew open.

 

“I love you, Minseok. I have never known anything like you. Anyone like you. And, I’ll never know anything or, anyone like you.”  
Luhan’s face, their memories flooded his mind. He remembered all too late, their child. Whom Minseok was carrying. His arms and legs started flailing. Panic for his child’s safety made it difficult for him to think or breathe. Minseok struggled. He thrashed underwater, petrified.

 

Luhan.   
Someone, please. Help. Our child. Please. Save him.   
Please.

 

A warm hand circled around his waist and dragged him back to the surface. He coughed and spluttered the salt water out. He was hauled over on board and was laid on the deck. A blond haired guy touched his chest; his lips were moving, saying something. Minseok wanted to touch his face. The sun rays formed a halo around his head.

“Luhan...” 

Minseok closed his eyes.

 

~~~~~

 

When he opened his eyes again, he was on a huge bed swathed in satin sheets. He blinked his eyes furiously, trying to remember where he was. His chest and throat hurt, his nose burned, his body ached. As he tried to sit up, he heard the sound of a door somewhere open and Jongdae walked into his vision. Minseok stopped his struggle. His ears popped. He was still in the hotel. Jongdae looked grim. He placed the plate he had brought with him on the bedside table.

“Eat soon.” His voice was weak and tired. He looked disappointed and exhausted. “Please take care of the baby at least. The doctor who examined you prescribed some pre-natal medicines. He asked to visit you tonight again, is that okay ?” Minseok just nodded his head. As soon as Jongdae was out of the room, he rushed to the bathroom, spilling his stomach’s content into the sink. He stood leaning on the counter gasping for some time. After a few minutes, he stepped into the shower, turned the knobs and sank onto the floor.

It was only when Jongdae came to inform him about the doctor’s arrival that he found Minseok unconscious on the floor, the bathroom floor flooded. He was freezing to his bones. 

Minseok stayed for the next two days in the hospital, mostly unconscious. When he woke, he sobbed until he could cry no more, curling into a ball. The nurses worried, torn between wanting to help him and shush him. They were perplexed, Minseok seemed to have a doting husband who was worried sick himself. He was pregnant, well into his fourth month. Where was the problem?

Their honeymoon trip got cancelled as soon as Minseok was discharged. 

Minseok never stopped crying.

Every time he looked into a mirror and saw the bump on his stomach, he cried.

Every time he outgrew another piece of clothing, he cried.

Every time he saw the Cartier ring hidden safely in the black box, he cried.

Every time he saw someone spectacled, thin and handsome, he wanted to cry.

But, most of all, the gaping hole that someone had left behind in his heart made him want to spill his guts onto the ground.

 

~~~~~

 

With every step he took, he wanted to take several back. He berated himself for bringing Luhan here with them. Everyone in the café knew that Minseok was married to Jongdae. How was this even a good idea? Would Jongdae find out? Could they know what was between him and Luhan?

“Appa!”

Minseok hurried his steps. As soon as he stepped in, the new hired boy standing next to the table greeted him. He nodded his head, his eyes not leaving Luhan and Haneul. Haneul had Luhan’s full attention. Luhan seemed genuinely attentive, he had always been good with kids. His nieces and nephews had always made a point to let Minseok know that. The staff looked at the duo curiously, Minseok had never brought anyone in with him in the past two years. Haneul had come a few times but only when Jongdae brought him along. Minseok liked to keep his business and private life separate. He wondered what he was doing now, mixing them up and screwing his life further.  
“Appa, can Uncle choose for us now?”

Guilt. Minseok also felt guilt in the pit of his stomach; roiling and coiling.

“Do you plan on standing [new ad] there forever ?” Luhan’s voice reminded him that he was still standing. He sat on the chair Luhan pulled out for him. Luhan sat down in the chair next to his and Haneul was already sitting in the third chair by then, dangling his legs in excitement. Luhan didn’t ask Minseok a thing whilst they waited for their order. Instead, listening patiently to what Haneul babbled on about. Minseok frowned, lost in thought. He only spoke when Haneul asked him a question, momentarily pulled out of his own thoughts. Luhan didn’t seem like he wanted to initiate [new ad] any kind of conversation. Minseok was fine with that. Luhan ate his food politely and Haneul nibbled on his. When Haneul was done eating, Minseok promptly got up and took his son to the washroom. By the time they came back, Luhan was done paying their bill. Minseok felt affronted.

“Appa?” Haneul tugged his jeans.

“Hmm?”

“Uncle is nice, right? He is not a stranger.”  
“His name is Lu Han, Haneul.”

“Lu Han? ? Han Like the Han in Haneul?”

“Something like that.”

“Ooooh.”

Minseok watched as Luhan stepped out, talking on his phone. He looked better than the last time they had met. Woobin, one of his really tall staff members lured Haneul away with promises of chocolate. Minseok walked towards the man who like a pendulum swung in and out of his life. Before he had enough time to ponder about what Luhan wanted from him this time, he had come back in.

“I have to go. An emergency at work came up. I’ll drop you guys back home.” Luhan looked at him and spoke like he might have been speaking to one of Haneul’s friends’ parents. Not Minseok.

“It’s fine. We’ll manage.”

“I brought you here for lunch. Let me drop you back.”

“Unnnccclllee.. Uncle!! Are you going?” Haneul pouted. His face looked exactly the way Luhan looked when he was young and used to pout. Minseok’s heart picked up speed suddenly started to race. Had Luhan noticed? Could he tell? Minseok wanted to hide Haneul away. He pulled his son closer to him. Luhan bent down to his son’s level and smiled.  
“Yes, unfortunately. But, I promise, I’ll come back and meet see you again.” He stood straight back up, straightening his coat out. “As long as your father is okay with it.” Luhan looked straight into his eyes. “As long as Minseok is okay with it, Haneul.”

 

Minseok wanted to look away.

“Appa, please? He is not a stranger.”

But, he couldn’t.

“Appa?”

“Yes, he can come, we can see him again Haneul.”

“Let’s go, I’ll drop you back.”

Minseok did not didn’t argue this time.

 

~~~~~

 

It wasn’t the first time Minseok had met Luhan after the wedding. No, it was the third time. The first time, he had been in the hospital, mid-way through his pregnancy. They had been in the reception area, waiting for an appointment. Jongdae had guided him to his seat and had left to look for some cold drinks. Minseok had been shifting his feet since they had left the house, feeling tired and irritated. He looked and felt so bloated. After two whole minutes of terrific patience, he gave up. The doctors had asked him to be very careful, his pregnancy had developed several minor complications because of the fall in the Jeju Islands.

It was easiest for a male carrier to be pregnant by their mid-twenties. Minseok was pregnant in his early thirties. Jongdae constantly fussed, sticking to him worse than glue. On most days Minseok wanted to kill him for his irritating hovering, but on the days when he was feeling really down, when his mood swings took a toll on him and he felt completely drained, he appreciated that he always had Kim Jongdae to rely on.

He got up from the seat, trying to shuffle his feet and moving closer to the mirror on the wall to check himself; he looked ridiculous in the baggy clothes and with his big, horrendous bump. The corners of his lips tugged down as he wondered if the kicks he had been getting meant his son would be a good footballer. He patted his baby bump and looked up into the mirror to find Luhan’s shocked expression in the reflection. Minseok turned around suddenly and staggered as he lost his balance. Luckily a nurse noticed and rushed over to stop him from falling. His heart was racing, he could have slipped and fallen and hurt his child. His angel. If his thoughts weren’t focused on Luhan, and how he was quickly disappearing down the corridor, he would have been much more shaken, but as it was he couldn’t think about anything other than speaking to Luhan.  
“Luhan! Luhan!” Minseok was tired. He tried to catch up with him but couldn’t walk very far in his condition. His back and feet were aching; his heart was beating far too fast. He was feeling dizzy, pausing to hold onto the back of a chair. He called out for Luhan again but his voice only came out in a whisper. Luhan eventually slowed down. When he turned around, he looked so different. His eyes had dark circles underneath them. He looked frail and exhausted. Minseok could make out his chest heaving up and down underneath his shirt drawing in sharp breaths. Luhan looked scary, like he was on the verge of passing out. What made Minseok’s eyes sting with tears the most was the look of disappointment, pain and betrayal etched on his face. The face that had always looked at him affectionately and with so much pride and adoration.

Minseok wanted to say something, anything. He wanted to explain. He had questions that needed answers. He wanted to demand. He wanted to shout. He wanted to beg.  
He was ready to forgive and forget everything when he saw him. But, Luhan’s eyes made him breathless. It made him question if he should even forgive him at all.  
That may be it was he, Minseok who had left Luhan, after all.

“Hyung?” A dark-skinned man came around the corner, slipping his arm around Luhan’s waist and looking at him with concern. “Are you - Is it him?” Minseok watched as the look of concern on his face changed from surprise to one of disgust. Luhan was still looking at him though with his sunken eyes. His eyes looked haunted. “Let’s go, hyung. There’s no point in wasting our time.” Luhan leaned into the arm waiting for him which guided his slow steps down the hospital’s hallway.

Minseok stood there, tears silently dripping from his eyes. Later, he refused to answer Jongdae’s and the doctor’s questions. He refused to talk for the rest of the day.  
That night when he went to bed, he muffled his cries with his pillow.

Not even for the human growing in him - not even for that tiny life’s health could Minseok stop himself from crying, from feeling miserable, lost, guilty and alone in the world.

 

~~~~~

 

The second time Minseok met Luhan was about two years after Haneul was born. Jongdae had been to Busan on a business trip and Minseok had been out to shop for some clothes for his son. He was growing up fast. He had been loitering near some of the shops he used to visit with Luhan. He was hesitating, he knew the shop owner would recognise him and ask about Luhan. Almost everyone who knew Minseok knew Luhan. It was ironic that the marriage he had wanted to announce to the world about Luhan and him had taken Luhan away from his life. On most evenings when Minseok sat idle, looking out the window, he wondered what his life with Luhan would have had been like. He knew it wouldn’t have made him want to quit everything and run away, never to return.

As he considered going into the shop once more his train of thought was interrupted by a sudden shout behind him.

“Oi, Oi, Minseok! Minseok! You who look like-”

Minseok turned around to find a very drunk Luhan stumbling. “Luhan?”

Minseok wanted to help Luhan, of course, but the person who had been at the hospital with him before seemed to be handling the drunk man fine. He was behind him. “Hyung, be careful”, he warned, glaring at Minseok.

“Minseok, is-iss that you?”

Minseok wanted to say no. “Yes.”, he squeaked instead.

“Kai, I can manage from here. You can go now.” The other guy protested, but Luhan was pushing him away. “Minseok, come-come with me. I have to show you something.”

“Hyung-” The dark skinned boy seemed reluctant to leave him.

“Luha-”, Minseok began only to be cut off by Luhan who turned to the boy behind him.

“Kai, just listen to me. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Luhan demanded, staring the tall boy down.

“Fine.” As ‘Kai’ walked away grumbling and giving Minseok nasty looks, Luhan stumbled towards an unmoving Minseok. Minseok couldn’t help but notice how good he looked, how his entire being screamed wealth and beauty. Even the way he walked made Minseok feel inferior. Luhan hailed a cab and gestured for Minseok to get in with him. Minseok might have protested but, he didn’t wish to be left behind. He didn’t want to leave Luhan behind either. He hoped he’d find some answers. Luhan managed to give an address to the cabbie and then, slumped in his seat. Minseok twiddled his thumbs and refused to look anywhere but out of the window. When they reached the address, he had to nudge Luhan awake. Luhan jolted, before looking around and realizing where they were, after which he simply got out of the car and walked towards an apartment block. Minseok paid the fare and ran after him. He followed him into the building to the lift. They stood in silence. Minseok glanced at him but quickly looked away. Luhan was removing his tie, and slowly started to unbutton his shirt. Minseok’s heart started to race, his mind flooding with questions. He didn’t know what Luhan wanted from him in this state. All he hoped for was that he could get some answers to the questions he had kept to himself for two years. Luhan always used to remove his tie that slowly when he wanted to have some fun. Did he want .. ? Minseok gulped.

The lift dinged as it arrived. Luhan stepped out and approached one of the doors. The nameplate read “the Lu’s”. Was this Luhan’s home? Of course. Minseok felt bitter. This was the flat Luhan had moved into. It was closer to his home than the one he used to live in before the marriage. Before Minseok’s marriage. They were both still silent as Luhan opened the door, flinging his shoes off. Minseok quietly stepped out of his.

“Kai. You saw that boy Kai?” Luhan was taking off his socks. “Dark and handsome? Tall? Not at all my type?”

Minseok fidgeted. “Yes.”

“That’s the guy I fuck almost every night.” He threw the socks into a corner.

Minseok’s heart lurched and he stilled.

He was still holding his tie in one hand. “Did you?” Luhan was facing the other direction. He was finishing unbuttoning his shirt. “Did you?”, he repeated.

“Did I what?”, Minseok’s voice a quiet whisper against Luhan’s clear, sharp tone.

“Did you fuck Jongdae the way I fucked Kai? In every bedroom? Bathroom? Perhaps the kitchen too? On the balcony? Did you?”

Minseok’s ears turned red. Luhan finally turned around, shrugging the shirt off his shoulders and dropping it on the couch. “Are you embarrassed? Should I not ask you about your marital life? Have you guys not been physical yet? Is that why you are embarrassed?”

Minseok jaws tensed, his nails digging into his palms. “You don’t know what you are talking about. It’s late. I’m going home.”

“Don’t I? Don’t I know what I am talking about?” Luhan laughed bitterly. “Don’t I know about you and your Chenniechennie? You think I don’t know about your son?”

“Luhan, you don’t-”

“Enough!” The Chinese man finally seemed to snap. “I don’t know what I am talking about? You betrayed me, Minseok. That’s the fuck I’m talking about!”

“I betrayed you? What the fuck? You were the who left me!” Minseok was now shouting. “You were the one who disappeared. You left your flat without a word!”

“That was because I bought this!! I fucking bought this flat for you. I bought this for you.” Luhan’s face was flushed red in anger. “This was to be my gift to you. For us. I would have brought you here on out wedding night.”

“Then why did you run away? Why didn’t you marry me?! I’m done Luhan, I don’t want to hear your lies.” Minseok felt sick to his stomach. “Please don’t ruin the memories we have with your lies. Your promises were enough as it is.”

Minseok would have left. He was leaving, but Luhan stopped him. Luhan kissed him. Luhan held him in his arms again and whispered “I love you” a hundred times. He struggled in the strong hold, tears starting to escape his eyes as the feeling of being loved flooded back to him like it had been yesterday. Minseok didn’t want to think about his actions tonight. He didn’t want to stay faithful to the marriage he had not wanted. He wanted to be in Luhan’s arms and run away with him. He wanted to melt in them and whisper “I love you”s back. He wanted Luhan to make him feel loved again; to make him feel wanted again. They had stayed away from each other for too long. For too too long. It made him weak. It made him want to never leave Luhan’s side again, even though it had not been him who had left. Luhan kissed him again, tangling their lips together as he dragged Minseok onto the sofa, and Minseok gave up thinking.

However, it didn’t stop the guilt from enveloping him the next morning when he woke up next to Luhan on the couch reeking of sex and sweat. He dressed himself as fast he could and had run out of the building, panicking. On the way to his house, he had felt so confused. What had he done? Had he done the right thing? What would Jongdae think? Minseok wanted to tear his hair out with the frustration and the anxiety he felt. He hated himself for feeling guilty. His conscience was in turmoil. He didn’t even want to think about Luhan whom he had left without a word . He hated himself for not asking Luhan answers first. He hated himself for being jealous of Kai though he knew he didn’t have the right anymore.  
But, most of all, he hated himself for not telling Luhan that Haneul was theirs.

 

~~~~~

 

For several days after that Minseok refused to look Jongdae in the eye. He felt like Jongdae would be able to tell what he did, but he couldn’t stop the guilt from being written all over his face. He kept his shirt buttoned up to the collar for weeks. He prayed no one would see the fading marks on his neck. His mother-in-law had seen them after she had dropped in for a surprise visit just a few hours after Jongdae had returned from Busan. She had been surprised and had looked immensely happy. She didn’t bring it up though. However, she looked at Jongdae knowingly. Minseok had felt like disappearing into the ground; she thought Jongdae was the one who had marked him. He never found out if Jongdae knew about that night he spent with Luhan.

 

Minseok didn’t go back that night to the cafe out of fear and guilt.

 

~~~~~

 

Haneul told Jongdae all about Uncle Luhan - Appa Min’s friend from Uni. Did Appa Dae also know him? Were they friends too? Were both his Appas friends like them?  
Minseok didn’t wait to hear Jongdae’s reply, escaping to the bathroom. When he came out after wasting quite a decent amount of time in there, Jongdae had already gone to bed.

“Appa, can I sleep in your room today? Appa is very tired, so he went to sleep already.”

“Of course, Hannie.” Minseok felt relieved. He didn’t have to face Jongdae for now.

When he woke up next morning, both his husband and son were gone.

When Minseok met ongdae laterthat evening, he looked surprisingly calm for a man whose husband was meeting with his ex-lover. Minseok tried to keep the guilt buried deep down. It wasn’t like Jongdae and he had married for love. It’s not like he had purposefully sought Luhan out. They had married out of compulsion. In Minseok’s case, he had, literally, been dragged to the ceremony. In his mind, Jongdae had no place to complain.

And, it wasn’t like he was meeting Luhan regularly, he thought bitterly.

 

~~~~~

 

One could say it was fate.

They kept meeting after that.

In front of the playground where Haneul played with the kids of his class, in a department store, in front of the school, in front of a shopping complex, in other cafés that Minseok frequented and that one time in a hospital where Minseok went for check ups in every six months. Their talks were very formal, often in clipped sentences. Luhan conversed mostly with Haneul. Minseok was totally fine with it. In fact, he found that better.

All too quickly the chance meetings turned into planned meetings. Minseok would take Haneul with him to the café, wait for an hour, and then take him to wherever Luhan had asked them to meet with him. He never chose the place. Somehow not participating any further in what they were doing made it easier to continue. The meetings were taking their toll on him. He was going crazy. Minseok could feel the tension in the air at these “rendezvous”. He could feel the tension in the air when he went back home. The only one oblivious to the entire situation was his little innocent son who talked about his time with Luhan excitedly, and described in detail what all they did that day to Jongdae. When he would need Minseok to confirm something for him - Appa, wasn’t that ride exciting? Appa, wasn’t that ice-cream very sweet? Minseok would look at his son and smile and hope Jongdae was okay with it.

Jongdae seemed to be okay with it.

Or, so he assumed.

Jongdae never questioned Minseok. He went along with whatever Haneul would say, look at Minseok and say “I hope you had a nice day.” or, “I hope you enjoyed your day.” and then take his son to bed. His expressions looked genuine.

 

~~~~~

 

After eight months, Minseok started meeting Luhan alone during his night shifts.

At first, it began with Luhan sitting quietly at one of the booths; Chanyeol or Sunny would serve him. Then he asked for Minseok once or twice to serve him instead. Slowly, he insisted that the owner of the café should serve to him whenever he visited. Chanyeol raised his eyebrow in question but he didn’t ask why.

Neither did Minseok. He didn’t ask Luhan what the purpose of his visits were. When he visited he started on occasion to casually walk up to the staff doors and call Minseok out. They’d both sit in silence when Luhan would sip his Americano soundlessly.

It was almost close to a year when they both started stepping out of the café shortly after Luhan would place his order. They would walk round the block and then go back in together. They hardly talked. In the mornings when Jongdae would be standing next to him washing the dishes while Minseok was busy preparing Haneul’s lunch pack, he would mull and mull over what Luhan and he had not talked about; what all they had not done and explain it to his husband. But, by the time he was finished thinking, Jongdae would have dried the towel he was using to wipe clean the washed dishes and would go for a bath. And, Minseok would have concluded he didn’t owe Jongdae anything anyway.

By the time he was done, he was no less confused as to what was going on between them.

This routine continued for another two years.

Jongdae never asked Minseok about Luhan.

Minseok never asked Luhan about Kai, or why he had left him.

 

~~~~~

 

Minseok’s birthday rolled around. Jongdae hosted a party for him at his parent’s place. Everyone they knew would be coming.

Luhan wasn’t invited.

As soon as the cake had been cut and a slice given to an over-excited Haneul, he quietly left the house. An hour later, he reached Luhan’s apartment. He walked into the flat with determination, the door carelessly left unlocked.

Luhan was drunk, barely holding onto the threads of his consciousness.

“Baozi? Bao- Minnie, it’s you? Are you really h-here?” Luhan hiccupped and laughed bitterly. “No, I must be imagining it, it’s your birthday, you would be with your family.” He slumped to his knees, after smashing the half-empty bottle in his hand, as he sobbed like a child.

Minseok’s eyes welled up with tears. “No, Luhan. I’m really here.” It took him holding Luhan in his arms as he cried to convince the Chinese man that no, he was indeed Kim Minseok and not a figment of his imagination. He eventually managed to drag Luhan back to his bedroom.

“Are you going to leave me again... in the morning?” Luhan looked up at him, eyes red and sore from the tears that had fallen. His hair fanned out behind him on the pillow, making him look even more dishevelled than he had when Minseok arrived.

Minseok had wanted to say ‘yes’. 

“No, Luhan. I’m not leaving.”He tucked Luhan in, within seconds he had fallen asleep.

 

~~~~~

 

When the morning came and Luhan found Minseok sleeping next to him, he couldn’t believe his eyes. He felt like his heart had shattered all over again. It was like he had imaged every day when they were younger. Minseok next to him every time he opened his eyes and every time he closed them. Every time he wanted to reach out and hold him. Now though, Minseok was no longer his even though for a second he had never stopped loving him and he knew neither had Minseok.

Luhan wished that life had gone differently.

Sometimes he wished he had never met Minseok. They had not done anything to deserve this.

When Minseok opened his eyes an hour later, Luhan kissed him on the lips, trying to pour all the pain he was feeling into him - to let him know how much he was hurting inside.

 

**I can’t escape from these thoughts.**   
**Is there such a thing called love.**

 

~~~~~

 

“Appa?”

“Hmm?” Minseok had taken a day off for the first time in five years since his café had opened.

“You always look so happy when you are with Uncle Luhan.”

Minseok put the newspaper he had been holding down. Haneul had been going through some pictures in Minseok’s mobile, sitting next to him on the sofa. He looked at his son who was growing up fast. He had grown so much and looked so much more like his other father. “I’m also happy when I am with you, Haneul.”

“Yes, but, you don’t look happy like that with Appa. You look like that with Uncle Han.”

Luhan had become a permanent figure in their life.

“Can I ask you a question?” Haneul tipped his head to one side inquisitively. 

Minseok furrowed his brows. “Of course.”

His son hesitated. “Uh... I... Actually-”

“Do you want to go for a sleepover at Nam Joon’s place?” Minseok tried to guess at what his son was attempting to voice.

“Huh? No. Yess! No!” Haneul shook his head.

“No?”

Haneul looked nervous, pulling at the hem of his pyjama top. He sighed. “Haneul, if you don’t ask, how will I know what you want?”

“Do you like Uncle Han? I-I mean, did you?” Haneul blushed furiously.

“What makes you ask that?”

“Err… Halmeoni was showing us your old pictures on Uncle Joon’s engagement day. And, there were pictures of you and Uncle Han and- and - and I don’t know- I just thought -I am really sorry, Appa- I just-”

“Yes, I like Uncle Han, Haneul.” The ten-year-old boy looked up at his father in surprise. “I hoped to tell this to you when you grew up. You’re a good kid, I don’t want to hide things from you. But there are things you’ll understand only after you have grown up.”

“But, I have grown up!!!” 

Minseok laughed. “Yes, you have, my son but, not enough to know everything. I need you to promise me something.”

“Yes?”

“No matter what, always love us the way you have - me, Han, Jongdae. Ok?”

“Ok. But, you’ll tell me, right? When will you tell me? How old do I have to be?”

“I might not even have to tell you, Hannie. You’re a bright child. Perhaps you’ll figure it out.” Hearing that his son pouted. Minseok couldn’t help but, pinch those fair round cheeks. His son whined, trying to swat his arm away as he ruffled his hair, muttering I’m a big boy now, appa.

 

~~~~~

 

It wasn’t just Minseok or Luhan or their son or Jongdae’s life that had been affected by the marriage. It had also affected his brother Joonmyun who had been in love with their neighbour cum Minseok’s friend Kim Jongdae for years, never telling a soul. It hurt him that despite the fact that both him and Jongdae were the same age and had been classmates their entire school and university life, Jongdae had always been closer to Minseok. Joonmyun had always stayed a little away because he had been shy and he had not wanted Jongdae to find out. He sat on his feelings for years watching Jongdae move from relationship to another. It took him until the day before Minseok’s wedding to find the courage to confess everything he felt to Jongdae.

Joonmyun, however, had waited too long. His brother married the man he had been in love with for over a decade.

Joonmyun could understand why their parents were forcing their elder son to marry their friends’ son. It hurt, but he could understand. He didn’t understand his brother accepting it. He never imagined Minseok giving up so easily. The one person he had looked up to and respected the most had betrayed him without even knowing it. Joonmyun had tried telling his brother about how he felt about Jongdae, but Minseok wasn’t in a state to listen to anything. Days passed, weeks passed and years passed. Joonmyun tried to understand his brother’s actions; tried to forgive and forget. He couldn’t. Every time he looked at Minseok he couldn’t help but feel bitter. Joonmyun despised himself for not being with his brother when he needed him the most. After Haneul was born, he could no longer bear to be in the same room as them. He loved Haneul. He loved Luhan and Minseok’s son. But every second of being near Minseok hyung during his pregnancy, going for check-ups or, visiting relatives; any time Jongdae being was addressed as his brother’s husband and later, as Haneul’s father had been too much for him to handle. He immersed himself in work. He avoided going back to his parent’s home - he didn’t want to hear about how good Jongdae and Haneul looked together or, how good the newly married couple looked. The nights when it all became too much for him he’d remind his parents whose son Haneul really was.

Joonmyun turned forty and he was still unmarried. He was a male carrier like his brother. But, unlike his brother he had never been with anyone. People he knew looked at him with pity and sympathy. He hated it. He tried to ignore them.

That changed when Joonmyun met Wu Yifan during a visit to Luhan’s place. He had met the Chinese man only once before that. It had been a farewell party that one of Luhan’s friends had organised for them. They had just been introduced back then. Yifan proposed to him within the year.

After six whole months, Joonmyun accepted.

During their engagement ceremony, Luhan was one of their guests. The look of shock on his family’s face when he turned up to congratulate them was worth it.  
Of all the people who had been affected by their parents’ decision, Lu Han, Joonmyun felt, had been the most undeserving of all of that fate.

 

~~~~~

 

Haneul was turning eleven. They had organised a party at Jongdae’s parents’ place. All of Haneul’s friends as well as Jongdae’s friends had been invited. Minseok didn’t invite anyone.

All the children had been running around, creating a ruckus in the house. The elderly had moved to another corner of the house letting the kids have their own space. Jongdae was in the sitting room, trying to keep an eye on the kids and wondering where his husband had disappeared to. It was close to ten in the evening. Parents of the other kids would be soon coming to pick their children up. Jongdae sat up straight as soon as he saw an unfamiliar figure at the door. It was Luhan.

Luhan gave him a cursory glance and called out for Haneul.

“What are you doing here?” Jongdae was frustrated. 

“What do you think?” Luhan challenged.

“Luhan hyung-”

“Save it. Whatever that is you have to say. I’m here to wish my son a happy birthday.” Jongdae’s eyes widened in surprise as he realized that Luhan knew who he was to Haneul. 

“Luh-.” Jongdae glared at the other man on hearing Haneul’s running footsteps approaching quickly.

“Uncle Han!!!” Haneul shrieked in joy.

Haneul went running into Luhan’s arms who picked him up gracefully. Luhan had never attended any of Haneul’s birthday parties. He had never once addressed the eleven-year-old as his son. Rage boiled up inside him as he saw the tall man play with his son, in his parent’s house. 

He let Luhan stay for an hour. To Jongdae’s surprise, every friend of Haneul’s knew Luhan Jongdae felt terrible, he barely knew any of his son’s friends, he was always too busy to take the time to learn their names. Jongdae’s parents had been shocked to see him and hissed at him asking why the Chinese man was there in their home.

Jongdae gritted his teeth and tried to smile when the other parents came and Haneul introduced Luhan to each one of them. Luhan had smiled at them politely and introduced himself as Minseok’s friend.

Minseok had been conspicuously missing the entire time.

 

~~~~~

 

Minseok opened the door slowly, trying to balance himself while untying his shoelaces with one hand and holding the large bag of gifts in another. The lights were still on in the kitchen. He was surprised, Jongdae, usually, switched off all the lights before going off to sleep.

“Where were you?” He heard a voice demand. 

The voice was slurred, but it was definitely Jongdae’s.

“Jongdae? Have you been drinking?” Minseok hurried inside after putting the bag down on the sofa. “Is Haneul sleeping? Why are you drinking?” He went to his son’s room to check if he was asleep.

“Don’t worry. I left him with my mother.”

Minseok stood near the table in the living room. Jongdae looked furious. “Why did you invite him?” Minseok instantly knew who he was talking about.

“He wanted to see him on his birthday.” Minseok stuttered nervously, looking at the floor.

“He sees him every day!” Jongdae shouted at Minseok, making him flinch. Steeling himself, he retaliated, he felt annoyed.

“They don’t meet every day. Luhan isn’t a jobless man.” Jongdae burst into laughter, irritating Minseok further.

“Sure! He’s not jobless. He made me jobless.”

“You’re not-”

“In case you’ve forgotten, he bought the company I worked in. I almost lost my job. I had to fight to keep my place. Had Joonmyun not helped my case, I would have very well lost it.”

“What does that have to do with this?” Minseok asked, Jongdae approached him threateningly. 

“Everything! Dammit!” Jongdae banged the table with his fist. Minseok flinched again.

“Why are you overreacting, Jongdae? He just came to give a gift to Haneul.”

“Is it not enough?” Jongdae’s voice was low and menacing.

“What?”

“Is it not enough? He humiliated me, he took away my friend, my job, my hus-”

“He did not take away your job. You left it by choice!”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Minseok, FOR ONCE, for once just don’t do that!!”

“What am I doing?”

“You know what! Everyone in my office knows about you and Luhan! THAT’S WHY I left. Every single staff member from the café knows about you two. I didn’t say anything then, did I? Not even when he started to take Haneul out on trips.”

“He is Haneul’s father too. He has the right.”

Jongdae laughed bitterly. His eyes were shining. “No. Not him coming into my house. Not by calling Haneul his son. Not in front of my parents. That’s all I had asked of you. Keep him away from my parents.”

“It’s not my fault that you insist on arranging his birthday party at your parents’ place every year! That way he’ll miss his son’s birthday every single year!”

“So? What do I care?”

“What do you mean by what do you care?!”

“He took you away from me Minnie. He took you away from me.”

“Don’t call me that.” Minseok spat, resenting the pet name.

Jongdae stood up, holding onto the table for support.

“We- WE- were best of friends till you replaced me with him. Our parents had always wanted us to marry. Since we were children. Even you had promised to!”

“We were children, Jongdae! That was a joke. Nobody takes it seriously!” Minseok couldn’t believe his ears. Why was Jongdae saying all this now? 

“Is this because I asked you for a divorce?” This was ridiculous. Jongdae started to approach him again. He took a step back every time Jongdae took one towards him.

“It’s sad, isn’t it?” Jongdae hiccupped.

“Go to sleep. You’re not thinking straight.”

“Yes, this is about the d-divorce. You want to leave me for a guy who left you just before your marriage? You want me to let you go to a guy like that? We’ve been married for almost twelve years!”

“Clearly, it has made you delusional. All that time has made you forget why we got married in the first place.”

The bottle he had been holding slipped from the younger male’s grip and rolled down on the floor towards Minseok. “Fine. Go, but I’m not giving you Haneul.” A look of horror struck Minseok’s face before it morphed into anger.

“Who are you to-”

Jongdae hadn’t drunk this much in years. He could not recall if he had consumed so much of liquor ever. His head was spinning. He could see his husband’s face lesser and lesser by the second. He stumbled and fell on what he assumed to be his husband. “He won’t hesitate to just leave you again, Minseok, Please. Stay.”

**Sigani jinagalsurok deo manggajyeogagiman hae**   
**No way, no way tto muneojineun geol**   
**As time passes by we mess it up even more**   
**No way, no way, it’s collapsing again.**


	3. tell me what is love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "In the end, we can’t make it  
> Even so, I keep hoping"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love "house of cards" by BTS and I can't stop listening to it (It'd be great if you were listening to the song while reading coz u know ~~)
> 
> The chapter title's taken from Tell Me What is Love by D.O.
> 
> [ Just fun facts : chap 2: The guy who saves Minseok in J. islands is supposed to be Oh Sehun (Minseok confuses him for Luhan coz .... get it? ;-)  
> chap 1: The friend of Kris whose name Minseok never finds out is supposed to be Yixing ]
> 
> If you'd like to talk about Xiuhan, or, EXO or, in general,
> 
>  
> 
> [AFF](https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1177160/)
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/superwholockian93/)
> 
>  
> 
> Kakao Id: HanabojiYoon

_**Jigeum naegen nun ape neoreul ppaen modeun ge jidokhi kkamkkamhan eodumiji ******_  
_**Ipbeoreutcheoreom malhae ******_  
_**Urin guelgugeon an dwae ******_  
_**Geuraedo nan gyeosok barae ******_  
_**Everything that you have done in front of my eyes it’s a complete darkness ******_  
_**Say it like you mean it ******_  
_**In the end, we can’t make it ******_  
_**Even so, I keep hoping ******_  
Of all the things that Minseok had imagined for himself, cheating on his husband had never been one of them. Even though his marriage to Jongdae was a marriage of convenience, there were numerous other things that drove him to hate it. It had made him lose all the people he had loved - his parents, Luhan, his brother Joonmyun, his best friend Chen. His relation with his cousins had even strained. They could hardly ever look him in the eye and he never wanted to lay his eyes on them. Haneul had been the only respite in his world. Jongdae had slowly gained his respect and earned place in his world, but they could never go back to being ‘Minseok hyung and Chen’, or ‘Minnie and ChennieChennie’ of the past. Their friendship had frayed with a permanent crackwhich had been filled with hate and disgust. The memories of their friendship left a bitter taste in his mouth. Only Jongdae’s care and attention that he showered on his son had made Minseok acknowledge his presence to be positive in his life. To the elder, Jongdae was a ‘husband’, a companion who had been chosen for him. In the twelve years of his marital life, he had not once seen his husband as the man he wanted to be with. It irked him when people assumed the ‘Kim’ in his son’s “Kim Haneul” was Jongdae. He despised it when people complimented Haneul’s for his looks and said he looked like Jongdae. His heart broke whenever Haneul called Jongdae ‘appa’ and Luhan ‘uncle’. It never sat right with him when Haneul talked about his ‘father’ in front of Luhan; not once Luhan showed disappointment, hurt, grief, or annoyance. Luhan had told him he knew about Haneul because of Joonmyun; they had met through sheer coincidence. When he had seen Minseok pregnant, he had thought it had been Jongdae’s child. Minseok was infuriated - how could he even think such a thing? Luhan had replied with a quiet “I wasn’t thinking straight then” and had left it at that. They never talked about why Luhan had left. Luhan never asked why Minseok had given in to his parents, or how his marriage was going.  
It was on his and Jongdae’s twelfth anniversary that Luhan asked him if he wanted to stay married to Jongdae. Would Minseok continue with the farce he was in or, would he consider stepping out of it? It was something Minseok had considered since day one, but couldn’t bring himself to do, for his parents sake and for his son. He asked Luhan to give him a few days to think.  
Minseok had been sure since the moment he had been asked, though. He went to his brother Joonmyun to help him; with the case. Joonmyun was a lawyer, he would know what to do. Joonmyun had looked at him in disbelief and at first asked him to leave his office. A perplexed Minseok had contacted him again later in the week. They got into a shouting match when Minseok demanded why he was refusing to help. It had been twelve bloody years, could he not move on? See how unhappy Minseok was? He was getting married to Kris. So, Joonmyun had hotly replied, why was he, Kim Minseok not moving on? Why was he still stuck with Luhan hyung and cheating on Jongdae? Why was he wasting two other men’s life? Did he not know how it was affecting his own son? Minseok felt like he had been slapped. He had exited from his office as quickly and quietly as it had been possible. He could hear his brother calling him but, he didn’t stop.  
Minseok thought about his situation. Even though Jongdae was okay with it, he was not. He didn’t want to be in a wedlock with one man whilst his heart was devoted to another, it was eating at his conscience. Time trickled by slowly. Minseok didn’t file for divorce. He was still thinking, deciding, deliberating- Jongdae’s words never leaving his mind.  
_He won’t hesitate to leave you again, Minseok_ He was sitting in his café, the rain poured down outside. Joonmyun came to meet him in his work clothes, holding his raincoat in one arm. Minseok was surprised, not expecting his company after their argument not so long ago.  
“There are things you need to know, hyung.”  
“Do you want some coffee?”  
“A latte, thanks.” Minseok sent Woobin for the order.  
“What is it?” Minseok’s heart began thudding in his chest. He knew Joonmyun knew more than he had ever let on. If not before, then, he sure did know now. Kris would have told him. Kris was Luhan’s best friend.  
“There are... things you need to know. About... our parents.”  
“Our parents? What about them?”  
“They asked me not to tell you when I found out. Plus, your relationship with Jongdae was off right from the start so, I figured there was no point. But, now that Luhan hyung is here-”  
“What is it, Joonmyun?”  
“Luhan’s parents never sent that mail- the one we had been told that they had sent - saying they wouldn’t be attending the wedding. That was a lie. To get you to- to make you think Luhan hyung was not coming.”  
“Are you saying Luhan wasn’t there because our parents told him to not come?” Minseok asked slowly.  
The lawyer scoffed. “Do you think someone like Luhan hyung would do that? He chose you, not your family.”  
“So, they lied about the mail?”  
“Yes. Our parents had mailed them asking them not to attend since hyung himself wasn’t attending, which was bullshit, naturally, of course. Luhan hyung called me as soon as he got to know that. I tried telling you too. Remember? But, you wouldn’t listen. When appa found out what I was doing, he locked me in another room. He told our cousins to keep me away from you. You even threw your phone away so he couldn’t reach you. I would have tried harder to reach you if I’d known what you were going to do.”  
“Is that all you have to say?”  
“If you want me to tell you why he went missing, It’s not my story to tell. You know, he got back home the morning you had left for your honeymoon? There was nobody who loved you more than him. Even appa never thought as much for you - his favourite son - as much Luhan hyung did.”  
Minseok’s chair scraped against the floor as he pushed it to stand up. “I have to go help the staff.”  
Joonmyun nodded his head, his lips pressed into a thin line. “Sure. I’ll wait for my latte if you don’t mind.”  
Minseok stumbled through his way to the staff room. He shut the door quickly and slid against it. He pulled his knees closer to his chest. Why? Why would his parents do that? Weren’t your parents supposed to love you the most? Why? His shoulders shook as he cried, his hand trying to stifle the sound.  
   
~~~~~  
   
But, despite all that Minseok did not file for divorce.  
Haneul had grown up enough to understand the situation in his house. Jongdae was either at home or, at the office. Minseok was either at the café, or with Luhan. Haneul spent his time between school and being with Jongdae and occasionally, with Minseok at his cafe or, with Luhan. One evening, he couldn’t help but ask Minseok.  
“Appa?”  
“Yes?”  
“Would you mind if I keep calling appa my appa? Because... he’s still my appa.”  
He didn’t understand the look on Minseok’s face. He had been very nervous. He liked Uncle Luhan and he loved his parents.  
“Of course, Haneul. You can keep calling Jongdae your appa. This does not change anything.”  
Haneul did not know what he had been expecting, but that reply had calmed his nerves.  
It was only when he was in middle school that he began to realize that his family was not like other people’s, but it was okay. He wondered, though, why adults hurt each other so much. He knew who his biological parents were and who had raised him, Minseok had been honest with him. Neither of his parents had treated him differently. Nor, had he. It had only served to increase his respect for his Dae appa . He loved his old man.  
   
~~~~~  
   
_**Tto witaerowo tto wiheomae so bad urin, yeah. ******_  
_**Insecure gain, dangerous again so bad, us, yeah. ******_  
  
Minseok’s world turned upside down. If his father had lied, if Luhan had come just after the marriage, then, why had he left? Why had Luhan left in the first place?  
Most days he felt agitated, he didn’t want to ignore it any more. Especially since Luhan seemed to be getting distant again. He would claim to be busy and go elsewhere. Minseok had found stacks of medical reports in one of his drawers when Luhan had wanted him to find some files. He couldn’t read it since it was in Chinese, but he had recognised it to be medical at least. It had remained at the back of his mind. He didn’t like the way Luhan looked pale. Once or twice he had caught him taking some pills. The taller man would brush it off as medicines for a cold. Minseok would catch Joonmyun and Kris looking at him worriedly. Minseok noted a lot of odd things; he didn’t know what they meant though. He didn’t understand why Luhan sat for hours with Joonmyun discussing things. What work could they have together? Minseok had met Luhan’s lawyers - they were all Chinese. He was drinking and smoking less which was totally fine with Minseok, but something wasn’t right. He wanted to know what was wrong.  
Instead, he asked, “Why, Luhan?”  
“Huh?” They were lounging on the sofa watching a movie.  
“Why can’t you tell me?”  
“No, Baozi.”  
“But-”  
“I said no.”  
“But why not?!” Minseok was beyond frustrated. “How many more years till I have to wait to know why my boyfriend left me right before our marriage.”  
“ Minseok .” His voice held a note of warning.  
“Don’t Minseok me, Luhan. Just tell me.”  
“I just needed some time.”  
“You needed some time”, Minseok repeated dumbly.  
“Minseok, now is not the time. We’ll talk about this when I return-”  
“What do you mean by you needed some time?” Minseok got up from the sofa, staring at Luhan in utter disbelief. “You needed some time? You needed time for what? Did you not want to get married? Could you not have just said?”  
“What are you going on about, Min? Would I have taken eight years to convince my parents to get us married if I didn’t want to marry you?”  
“I don’t know. Ma be you lost interest! Maybe you found someone else!”  
“I have never gone against my parents’ wishes, Minseok. Except for you. You know they didn’t want us to be together, but I wanted them to accept you knowing that we both couldn’t be happy without their approval and you still doubt me?” Luhan’s voice was rising.  
“What do I know, Luhan? You didn’t explain yourself to me. I don’t know what. Why. Anything. Others know, but not me. I just know you left me.” The hurt in Luhan’s eyes stopped the Korean man from speaking anything further.  
“You’re so selfish, Minseok. Maybe we didn’t deserve to be together.” Luhan got up from his seat abruptly and stormed into the bedroom. He could hear the closet being slammed open and closed. Ten minutes later Luhan emerged dressed.  
“What are you doing?”  
“I’m going.”  
“Wh-”  
“I can’t be in the same room as you, Minseok. I need some space. I -” He started to cough violently. Minseok hurriedly brought a glass of water and gave it to him, Luhan refused it. He swiftly someone on his phone. Minseok could hear the person on the other end. “Hyung? Is everything okay?”  
He could recognise that voice anywhere.  
“Can you pick me up from my apartment? Now?”  
“Sure. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”  
“I’ll be outside.” He disconnected the call. “You can finish watching the film. Don’t wait up for me.”  
It had been Kai’s voice.  
Minseok unpaused the video and sat on the couch. Thirty minutes passed, but he had no idea what had just happened. His eyes glazed over. His mind was in shambles.  
“He won’t hesitate to leave you again, Minseok”  
   
~~~~~  
   
Minseok left Luhan’s place thirty minutes later. It was raining. Minseok didn’t have an umbrella, he had planned to stayed the night like he did most days. He didn’t have a raincoat either. He didn’t know where his wallet was. He couldn’t get a cab. He walked the entire way back to his home. By the time he reached home, he was soaking wet. His hair was plastered to his forehead. There was trail of water behind him.  
When the door opened and he heard Jongdae’s confused “Minseok?” he couldn’t stop himself from breaking down. His knees gave away and he fell.  
Jongdae caught him, like always, and they both sank to the floor.  
“Minseok? Hyung? Hyung, what’s wrong?”  
Jongdae’s caring instinct for Minseok, being concerned for him despite all that he had done to the younger man made Minseok feel worse. He felt ashamed.  
“Hyung, please tell me what is wrong. Hyung?!”  
It made Minseok cry more. His hands grabbed Jongdae’s shirt’s sleeves and pulled him closer. He cried for himself. For Jongdae whom he had wronged. For his love. For Luhan. For Joonmyun. His parents. What had he done? Why?  
   
~~~~~  
   
_“What did you wish for?”_ _“It isn’t good to tell. What would be the point then? They’re supposed to be secret.”_  
_“I wished for us to be always happy and together like how we are now.”_  
   
After that day, Minseok didn’t try to contact Luhan anymore. Nor did Luhan contact him. He stayed holed up in his room most of the time.  
Around three months passed before he received a text from Luhan.  
“I’m in Beijing. We’ll talk when I return. I have something to tell you.”  
Minseok didn’t want to know anymore. He didn’t care. He had chosen. He had chosen Jongdae. Maybe he had made the decision too late. He didn’t care who was right and who was wrong. Just no more.  
A few weeks after that Luhan bombarded him with messages asking him to contact him, but Minseok left them unanswered. It felt like deja vu.  
But, it wasn’t. There was nothing to lose this time. He even deleted the unread mails.  
   
~~~~~  
   
He had been in Apgujeong buying gifts for Kibum hyung’s daughter’s wedding. Kibum had married Lee Jinki from Luhan’s university friend’s circle. They had been together for as long as Minseok and Luhan should have been. He sighed.  
“Hyung? Minseok hyung?”  
Minseok turned around to find Kyungsoo standing behind him. It had been so long since he had met seen his ex-co-worker. They both grinned and hugged each other. “How are you, Kyungsoo? It’s been so long.”  
“I’m good. How are you?”  
“I’m fine too. Hey, are you - are you free now? Let’s go somewhere?”  
“Yeah, we need to catch up.”  
They both went to the nearest joint they could find and ordered food for them.”  
“How is Luhan, hyung? What is he doing now? You must be a barista now, aren’t you?”  
“Luhan’s okay. I even own a café now. What about you?”  
“Do you? Wow. I have my own bakery chain. It’s doing well, so I’m good too.”  
“What about you, Kyungsoo? You must be married too by now? Or are you still the most wanted bachelor?”  
“Hyung!” Kyungsoo blushed. “Yeah, I am married. Do you remember Jongin? The kid who used to frequent our café?”  
“The child? You married that minor?”  
“Hyung! Seriously!!” He liked teasing the wide-eyed man. Minseok loved him like Joonmyun. “He used to leave me letters now and then? So, I told him once he grew up and got a job and if he still felt that way, then, he could ask me again. Aaaand, we met a few years back through mutual friends.”  
“So, how long have you been married?”  
“It’s been seven years. He proposed a year after we started dating.”  
Minseok wished he could smile like the way Kyungsoo was smiling someday thinking about his marriage. “So, where is he now?”  
“Jongin? He’s in Beijing.”  
“Beijing?” Minseok collected their orders from the counter. He gave half of it to Kyungsoo and put some on his plate.  
“Yeah. His ex lives there.” On seeing Minseok raising his eyebrow, he laughed. “It’s not like that. His ex was sick. Some terminal disease. He passed away two days back. Jongin was very close to him. He’ll come after all the formalities are done. Do you want to see his photo? Jongin’s?”  
“Yeah, of course.”  
“You know what though?”  
“What?”  
“His ex was Chinese too.” He was scrolling through his phone. “And his name too was Luhan.” Minseok paused, putting the spoon into his mouth. “I’m sorry. I’m sure you didn’t need to hear that. Hyung, you should introduce me to your Luhan. I feel so bad that I couldn’t go to your wedding. When I came back to work, they said you had left. I regretted it so much.”  
Minseok felt his throat constricting ; feeling as if there was too less oxygen to breathe in.  
“Hyung? Are you okay?”  
“Yeah. Show me your husband’s photo.” Minseok tried to smile brightly.  
Kyungsoo handed the phone over to him. Standing next to him in the _selca_ was a tanned, lean man whom Minseok could identify anywhere. He despised him that much. He stood up abruptly. Kyungsoo looked at him in surprise. Minseok cleared his throat, trying to make his voice sound more cheerful. “Kyungsoo, I think I left some things back in the previous shop. I need to get them. I’m really sorry. I’ll meet you soon.”  
Minseok ran outside and hailed a cab. He shouted the address to the driver and prayed he would speed up. On reaching Luhan’s apartment, he dashed up the familiar stairs, all the way up to the fifteenth floor. He prayed. He prayed. Luhan be there. Luhan, please, please.  
The door was locked. The security guard informed him that Luhan had not come home for two months.  
His world was crashing down. This couldn’t be, this couldn’t be. It couldn’t possibly be. He wasn’t thinking straight. It was Sunday. Jongdae would be at home. He needed to talk to him. Jongdae would explain it to him. He’ll stop him from panicking, from hyperventilating. Minseok caught another cab. He threw himself out of the cab as soon as he reached home and ran as fast as he could. He threw the door of his flat open.  
Jongdae was sitting opposite two men whom Minseok had come to recognise well in the past one year. They were Luhan’s lawyers. On seeing him, they got up. They bowed and greeted him formally.  
“Minseok-ssi. Luhan-ssi wanted us to give you these in his absence a few days back,”  
The shorter lawyer, Mr Fong, gave him a large sealed envelope. “but, we got held up due to - We presume you have heard the news. Haven’t you?”  
It was probably Minseok’s expression. The lawyer with glasses on, Mr Zhu, spoke up. “We are so sorry for your loss, Minseok-ssi. Luhan-ssi was a very brave man fighting such a difficult condition from such a young age. We are lucky to have known him.”  
   
   
~~~~~  
   
   
   
   
   
   
EPILOGUE  
   
“No matter what happens don’t leave him alone.”  
“Yes, appa. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him. You take care of yourself.” His teenage son looked so mature for his age.  
“Am I’m standing right here.” Jongdae said dryly. Minseok looked at him and smiled. Jongdae’s phone rang. “Excuse me.”  
“Haneul, always remember- no matter what happens he is your father. He might not have been the reason why you were born, but he is the reason why you have grown up to be such a beautiful person.”  
“Appa, even you-”  
“Just love your fathers, okay? Even though some of us weren’t around.”  
“What are you saying? I love you. Uncle Luhan too. It’s after growing up I have realized - just like you had said - that you two were bound by different things and was important too. He made you happy the most among us all. That matters to me the most.”  
“My son. You have indeed grown up.” Minseok ruffled his son’s hair.  
“Appa, not here!” Haneul whined quickly darting his eyes to check if anybody had been seen and tried to set his hair right. They were announcing for his flight’s boarding.  
“Where’s Jongdae?”  
“He’s coming.”  
“Study well, okay. I’ll be back soon.”  
“Take lots of pictures where ever you go.” Jongdae said as he walked closer to where Minseok and Haneul were standing.  
“And, lots of stamps and post cards!” Haneul quipped.  
“Seriously?” Jongdae made a face.  
“Yah, appa!” Haneul shoved Jongdae away.  
“Of course I’ll bring them.”  
   
Minseok picked his luggage up and dragged it to his queue. Once he crossed the line, he turned around to see his son’s retreating figure. Jongdae was still standing there.  
Luhan in his will had left half of his fortune to Haneul. The rest he had given it to Minseok. The Korean man had taken only ten per cent of it and had moved the rest to his son’s name. He didn’t need it. With the money he had taken, he was going for on a trip - maybe for a month - for a few months, for a year? He didn’t know. He needed to be away from here. He was going to begin with the places Luhan had always wanted to see. He needed some time alone, cut off from every one he knew. He wanted to leave his past behind. He wanted to give his life with Luhan a better end and hoped to make a better man out of himself. He could not give Luhan what he had deserved. Luhan who had been ailing and suffering all alone. Kris had explained to him that Luhan had left before their wedding because he had not been able to decide if he should drag Minseok into his life. Luhan’s days had been numbered. Ultimately, he couldn’t choose to stay away from Minseok and came back. He had just wanted to delay the wedding. He had wanted Minseok to have the chance to decide if he wanted to be with Luhan or not after knowing all the circumstances. Minseok couldn’t be the person Luhan had needed.  
But, he hoped that when he came back that he could be the person the man waiting him for on the other side of the glass deserved.  
   
   
   
_**Kadeuro mandeun jip babogachi urin ******_  
_**Heotdoen kkumiraedo idaero jogeum deo stay ******_  
_**A house made of cards, and, stupidly, us ******_  
_**Even if you say it’s a useless dream, just stay a little more like this ******_


End file.
